“I am a loser.” “I will never heal from childhood trauma.” Those are the lies I told myself. Lie after lie caused severe anxiety, and worsened when lockdown happened in March 2020. My heart would pound out of my chest.
I became desperate. I did what I always do when the anxiety becomes overwhelming. I search for ways to relieve it. I stumbled upon an app called The Tapping Solution, which features a technique called emotional freedom technique. The first time I tried tapping, my heart stopped racing. Something finally worked.
Making the choice that I am enough
I have never felt like I was enough. Feelings of inadequacy haunt me. Every morning when I wake up, I make the decision that I will do my morning mental health routine. Some mornings, the last thing I want to do is tapping, meditation, prayer, and inspirational reading. I would rather pick up my phone and screw around on it for a while.
I make the decision to do my mental health routine because I need it. I need the knowledge that I am enough. My routine gives me that knowledge, and I cling to it like a lifeline. As I tap, I focus on reminding myself that I am enough. I let the old messages take a hike.
Childhood trauma has a way of bringing shame, and this is particularly true of child sexual abuse. We blame ourselves until we realize that as children we had no control. Adults had all of the control over us. When we reject the lie that we played any responsibility in the abuse, we begin freeing ourselves from what John Bradshaw terms toxic shame in his book, Healing the Shame That Binds You.
You are enough
If no one has ever told you that you are enough, then let me be the first one to tell you. You are enough. Despite the ways you coped with childhood trauma, you are enough. Your troubled past does not define you. You are worthy of love, compassion, and understanding because you are created in the image of God.
You might be thinking of all the negative ways you coped with trauma. Join the trauma club, honey. How can someone become an adult who copes in healthy ways when they endured trauma as a child? Until they enter into recovery, they can’t. I couldn’t. You couldn’t. There is no shame in that fact.
Let go of the idea that you are not worthy of love. Let it go and leave it in the dustbins of your past. Embrace the truth that you have always been enough and always will be enough. You don’t have to do anything to earn God’s love. Embrace that love and let it heal you from the toxicity of the past.
Image by silviarita from Pixabay