“Suffering is a choice.” Pa Kou Vue, my therapist
I spent my life fighting unpleasant emotions, such as fear and sadness. My therapist taught me about radical acceptance and loaned me a book about the topic. I learned from my therapist and the book that radical acceptance is accepting your life–your feelings, circumstances, and past. You accept your life with your whole being. Radical acceptance is not approval of abuse or injustice. It is not love or compassion. It is not against change, and it is not passivity.
Jesus taught us to forgive those who wronged us. The word translated as forgive in biblical Greek is aphiemi, which means to set free, let go, release, to discharge, or to liberate completely. During the time of Jesus, aphiemi referred to canceling a debt or to release someone from a contract. In Matthew 6:12, Jesus taught us to pray, “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.”
What did Jesus mean by forgiving those who have wronged us? It simply means accepting that they hurt us and choosing not to cling to that hurt. It is radical acceptance, and by practicing it, we acknowledge that a type of suffering exists, but there is also suffering that we create within ourselves. For example, when someone says something very hurtful, I think of what I could have said to make them hurt as much as I am. Doing that fosters anger that can turn into rage. It is needless suffering, and that kind of suffering is a choice.
Choose the path of radical acceptance
Radical acceptance cultivates distress tolerance and increases resiliency. As childhood trauma survivors, we tend to dissociate. Dissociation makes sense for traumatized children. It is how our brains protect us. However, as an adult, it leads to more suffering. We lack emotional regulation when we live in a state of dissociation. Practicing radical acceptance means that we embrace our emotions and stop fighting them.
Here are the tips my therapist taught me to practice radical acceptance:
Observe that you are fighting reality.
Remind yourself that reality cannot be changed and there are causes for reality.
Practice accepting reality in your mind, heart, and body.
My therapist also taught me about opposite action or listing all the behaviors you would do if you accepted reality. With her help, I came up with a list of behaviors: healthier eating, sleeping better, self-kindness, letting go of harmful thoughts, being vulnerable with others, and connecting with others by being transparent. By practicing these behaviors, I cope with events that have not happened yet.
Studies show that radical acceptance helps trauma survivors. In one study, researchers had
120 people write down personal negative events during six training sessions. The radical acceptance group used a dialectical behavioral skill (DBT) that promotes acceptance of negative events. In another group, the participants reappraised their interpretations of the events but did not use a DBT skill. The ones who practiced radical acceptance improved their ability to use emotional acceptance and cognitive reappraisal. The other group improved only in cognitive reappraisal. Researchers concluded that “cultivating acceptance can subsequently improve the ability to reinterpret reality for coping adaptively with negative events.”
Check out my video on radical acceptance if you want to know more about the concept.
Is the concept of radical of radical acceptance new to you? If so, what do you think of it? If it is not a new concept, how do you practice it? Either way, drop a comment, and let’s get a discussion going.
“Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain.” Pa Kou Vue
Resources
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
It’s Not Your Fault by Laura K. Connell
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Image by thatsphotography from Pixabay
Using new tools on our healing journey is working towards a happier life. Thank you for sharing. Bless you, dear Gina. Sending love, hugs and prayers <3