“There are gifts inside the things we fear.” Janine Valentine
I finished reading a book by a woman who became stranded in the Maldives two years ago after testing positive for covid. Her forced isolation due to quarantine led her to face her deepest fears. The book caused me to admit my deepest fears. I asked myself last night a question that led to a breakthrough. What am I most afraid of, and why am I afraid? Asking that question led to an avalanche of insight about myself.
My fears
The first fear that came up is what I am calling my root fear. I am afraid I am not enough because sexual abuse at a young age caused me to feel inadequate. More fears stemming from the core fear came to mind. I am afraid of the unknown, of whether I can handle what happens. I cling to what I have known, even when that means holding on to defense mechanisms. I fear I have wasted my life. Coping with depression, anxiety, and PTSD puts me in survival mode.
I am afraid of letting the world see the real Gina-Marie. I hold in so much and it takes a toll on my body. I am not always very present in my body, and that is a holdover from when I dissociated as a child during the abuse. Living as my false self is my way of dissociating. It is a habit, one that keeps me emotionally numb.
I am afraid of nighttime because deep down I fear my uncle, who has been dead for decades, will come back. It is an irrational fear, but it comes from my inner child. Children’s fears are not always rational. That fear keeps me up late at night, jumping at every sound I hear outside. I am tired as a result.
The insights from facing my fears
Facing each fear and writing it down in my journal gave me much insight into myself and my healing journey. I learned that I am in the darkness of the unknown. However, I can see the light of God here. I remember standing in a cave in Ireland. The tour guide cut the lights, leaving us in utter darkness. He lit a lighter, which seemed so very bright in the midst of the darkness. God’s love is the light in the darkness of recovery.
I am on autopilot day after day. That is why meditation is so key for me. Meditation puts me in the present–not the past or future–and gets me asking questions of myself. Meditation is an oasis during my journey and scrubbing away of what I no longer need. It soothes me while it applies disinfectant to my wounds. It is a both/and situation.
“Meditation is a patient process of knowing that gradually over time these habits are dissolving.” Pema Chodron
I have felt like an emotional leper inside, so I live out of my false self. My deepest fear causes me to view myself this way. It harms me, diminishes my life, and keeps me from intimacy. It is time for me to let go of the lie that I am inadequate. My first step is starting DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) next week. It is a big step for me, and I sense will lead to more insights about myself and help me live life as my true self.
“The false self has no substance, no permanence, no vitality, only various forms of immediate gratification.” Richard Rohr
Call to Action
If you need encouragement, email me at thepossiblepath@gmail.com.
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Resources
Both Things Are True by Janine Valentine
Immortal Diamond by Richard Rohr
How to Meditate by Pema Chodron
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You sound as if you're healing well and I'm so glad and proud of you
Such a wonderful soul. Wow. I’m really moved by your desire to help others while on your own path as well. Your willingness to be vulnerable is engaging. You’re sincerity is shows through with each article. You’re also such a good writer as well.
Just wanted to offer these thoughts. From one person on the path to another. Looking forward to more of these self-revealing, introspective posts.