Finding Your Voice As a Trauma Survivor
Are you a chronic people-pleaser? Do you say yes when you want to say no? There is a reason why and that reason is that you lost your voice somewhere in your childhood. I know all about it. I was once a people-pleaser who didn’t know her voice.
Letting go of people-pleasing
I am now at a point in my life where I can say no. Sometimes someone will ask me to do something via a text message. If I sense my old people-pleasing way lingering around, I wait until I can say no. That might mean answering messages hours of a day later. I am fine putting people off for a bit.
I was not always comfortable saying the word no to people. I had to practice saying it in the bathroom mirror. True but sad story. Somewhere in my childhood, I developed such a strong desire to please people that I learned to put my desires and wishes aside. The messages I sometimes heard from people at church only referenced my inability to say no. I once heard someone teach at a Wednesday night service that if someone asks you to do something at church, you shouldn’t say no.
What birds can teach us
I used to frequently say yes when I wanted to say no. I did not know my voice or the power of the word no. We are all born with an instinctive desire to say no. Hang out with toddlers and you will know what I mean. Somewhere along the line, some of us lose our ability to say no. We can learn much from birds who sing, in part, to both defend and announce their territories. They also sing to attract a mate. A singing bird means a healthy bird, just as a person with the ability to say no is an emotionally healthy person.
While some birds are born knowing how they will sing once they reach adulthood, most songbirds must learn how to communicate. It’s different with us humans, isn’t it? We are born knowing how to communicate we don’t want to do something but far too many of us become people-pleasers to survive a troubled childhood. Young songbirds imitate their elders until they can replicate the songs. Those of us who lost our ability to say no can imitate someone around us who has strong boundaries.
Yes is yes, and no is no
Just as a fledgling young songbird practices its song, we find our voice by learning to say no. Jesus said, “Let your word be ‘Yes, Yes’ or ‘No, No.’” (Matthew 5:37 NRSV) Saying yes when we don’t want to do something is a wishy-washy yes. It’s an inner no and an outer yes, which makes us devoid of boundaries. As a bird uses a song to mark its territory, we mark our boundary by knowing what we want and don’t want.
It’s not an easy process. Unlike birds, by the time some of us are five years old, we carry a truckload of emotional baggage that we walk into adulthood toting around. Dropping the baggage means unlearning all the wrong messages we hold about ourselves and others. It is like peeling back the layers of an onion. When we peel back one layer, there is another layer that needs looking at.
The darkest hour is just before dawn
Birds usually sing at dawn. The start of a new day represents hope. “God is in the midst of the city; it shall not be moved; God will help it when the morning dawns,” Psalm 46:5 (NRSV) proclaims. God lives within us as Christians. Just as the psalmist proclaimed that God will help Jerusalem, God will help us. Our dawn will come.
“Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning,” Psalm 30:5 tells us. The process of recovery from childhood trauma is a long night. Take heart! The morning will come. You will find your voice. You will find freedom from the depression and anxiety that have been your constant companions since early childhood.
Prayer
Did something resonate with you? Pray this simple prayer:
Oh Lord, help me stop pleasing everyone else but you and myself. Teach me how to say no and how to let my yes be a real yes. Give me the strength I need to go from a people pleaser to a God pleaser.
Image by Jill Wellington from Pixabay