“For us to be habitually happy, nobody has to change except ourselves.” Thomas Keating
I had a conversation with a loved one that left me unsettled. I felt judged and misunderstood. In the past, I would have defended myself. I no longer feel the need. Where I once needed constant affirmation from others, I only need it from myself and my Creator. I used to feel devastated after harsh conversations. My self-esteem depended on people-pleasing.
After that conversation, I tapped for about a half hour. I journaled about how it made me feel. I woke up the next morning and tapped on forgiveness. By that afternoon, I felt lighter. I didn’t carry the heaviness of unforgiveness. Why was I able to let go so quickly of the pain that conservation caused me? I spent nearly three years tapping daily, where I would say, “I choose to love myself.”
Somewhere in my childhood, I started striving to please those around me. I suspect it began during my toddler years, the same time that the sexual abuse by my uncle began. Trauma has a way of causing destructive survival techniques. Many of us become codependents. We strive for affirmation from others. We invest much time and attention in others' well-being while ignoring our own. It is a toxic cycle.
“Codependency is a stress-induced pattern of behavior that dictates how a person treats another and how she allows that other person to influence her. The codependent obsesses over the other person and seeks to control them.” Melody Beattie
This past weekend represented a triumph, a breakthrough. However, I want more triumphs and breakthroughs. I felt the need to revisit books on codependency. There is one area of codependency that caught my attention: lack of trust. Melody Beattie lists the qualities of codependents:
They don’t trust themselves.
They don’t trust their feelings or decisions.
They don’t trust other people.
They try to trust untrustworthy people.
I have come a long way. I am learning how to trust myself. However, I struggle to trust others. The reason is that I come from an emotionally dysfunctional family. I learned as a child that survival in my family meant putting walls up with others. It was a vain attempt to minimize the hurt. It does not work. Yet I found myself still doing it. This is an area I need to work on. I do not have all the answers. I can only share my struggles and hope you find you are not alone.
“Other esteem is based either on one’s own human doing or on the opinions and behavior of other people. The problem is that the source of other-esteem is outside the self and thus vulnerable to changes beyond one’s control.” Pia Mellody
Looking outside myself for my sense of self-esteem set me up for codependency. When I began tapping nearly three years ago, I struggled to choose to love myself, but I made it daily. I did not realize then that I was shedding codependency by making that choice. Darlene Lancer, a Santa Monica-based therapist, believes that self-love is the key to recovery from codependency. I agree with her. Only by embracing ourselves and leaving judgment behind can we recover.
“Change is not easy, never immediate, and takes work, but is possible.” Michelle Halle
*The picture is one of myself at age six.
Resources
Invitation to Love by Thomas Keating
Codependency and Childhood Trauma by Michelle Halle
How Trauma Can Result in Codependency by Mary Ellen Ellis
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody
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I love you and am so proud of you as you open up your heart on your healing journey to help others!I I am reading "Good Boundaries and Goodbyes" by Lisa Terkeurst. I am finding it helpful on my healing journey. Bless you, dear girl. <3
Freeing ourselves of codependency is probably one of the most important things that we can do