How To Stop Bad Habits
“The real reasons we escape into our coping mechanisms get ignored when we talk about willpower.” Laura K. Connell
I can no longer numb my emotions. That’s the good news. However, the bad news is that I still try to do so using my old coping mechanisms. Why do I still use them when they no longer work? They are familiar, and like all humans, I am a creature of habit. And the ineffective habits I practice are not helping me.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, according to Alcoholics Anonymous. I find myself turning to old coping mechanisms developed in childhood to numb the intense emotions I couldn’t process then. I am an adult. I can process intense emotions, yet I automatically try to numb myself. It doesn’t work anymore. My numbing mechanism broke. I numb out of habit. Insanity, indeed.
So, how do I stop doing what doesn’t help? Self-knowledge is the first step, an important component of trauma recovery. The very fact that I am aware of why I do what I do and how it affects me is progress. I remind myself of that fact often when doubts plague my mind. Overcoming ineffective habits requires stopping negative thoughts and not letting them run rampant in our minds.
Stopping Ineffective Habits
“Willpower doesn’t work because it’s a finite resource.” Laura K. Connell
We are often told to use willpower to stop bad habits. It doesn’t work. Willpower is an overly used concept in American society. Remember the anti-drug campaign in the late 1980s that urged kids to “just say no to drugs.” If only life were as simple as Nancy Reagan’s slogan. Just apply a big dollop of willpower, and the coping mechanisms we developed as children to survive trauma will end. But life is messy, dear readers.
The human brain is much more complex than we realize. Certain brain regions drive our habits. We are rewarded by dopamine, a “feel-good” chemical when we do a routine action, whether effective or ineffective. Taking that knowledge, let’s add another layer. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), opposite action is one of three distress tolerance skills. It involves creating a list of behaviors you would do if you accepted reality. Once you make the list, you start practicing those behaviors. This helps you cope ahead with events so that when you are in a stressful or difficult situation, you will have healthy coping mechanisms.
I crafted my list last year with my DBT therapist’s help. It includes eating healthier, sleeping better, self-kindness, letting go of harmful thoughts, being vulnerable, and connecting with others by being transparent. Part of the list is inner-focused, while the last two are outer-focused. Self-kindness is the cornerstone of this list, the magical key that helps me practice everything else.
There is an adage that we can’t help others until we help ourselves. The example I have heard is that on an airplane, you first put an oxygen mask on yourself before helping someone else put on theirs. It is true, as I have discovered. The more I practice good self-care, with the help of my opposite action list, my brain creates dopamine. I then feel better, which motivates me to keep doing those things. I reinforce good habits.
Recovery Takes Time: No Fast Food Healing
“It is your commitment to the process that will determine your progress.” James Clear, Atomic Habits
Recovery takes time, no matter how much we want a fast-food healing. Habits change little by little as we use our recovery tools. I wake up and choose to start my day by writing in my journal and doing Bible study. Some days, I would rather skip straight to breakfast. I make myself use my tools instead. Without self-discipline, we will not transform. It is different than willpower; it is not merely saying no to something. It is saying yes to what works and what is effective.
There is no fast food healing. It takes time to recover from trauma. Ineffective habits do not start overnight, and they will not stop quickly. Peter Levine, the creator of somatic experiencing, discovered with his clients, “The healing process was more effective if it was less dramatic, occurring more gradually.”
I am inching towards my goal of becoming my true self. I will get where I want to be as long as I keep moving forward. And so will you, my friends.
How are you working on stopping ineffective habits? Leave a comment below, and let us know. This is a safe community.
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Resources
It’s Not Your Fault by Laura K. Connell
Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine
Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear