How to Transform Your Bad Habits
Kindness, awareness, and discipline are the keys to transforming our bad habits and creating good habits.
“Willpower doesn’t work because it’s a finite resource.” Laura K. Connell
Willpower is an overly used concept in American society. Remember the anti-drug campaign in the late 1980s that urged kids to “just say no to drugs.” If only life were as simple as Nancy Reagan’s slogan. Just apply a big dollop of willpower, and the coping mechanisms we developed as children to survive trauma will end. But life is messy, dear readers. The human brain is much more complex than we realize. Certain brain regions drive our habits. We are rewarded by dopamine when we do a routine action, whether it is effective or ineffective.
Opposite action: a new recovery tool
I gained a new tool in therapy a few weeks ago called opposite action, one of the three distress tolerance skills in DBT. The other two are radical acceptance and turning the mind. It involves creating a list of behaviors you would do if you accepted reality. Once you create the list, you start practicing those behaviors. This helps you cope ahead with events so that when you are in a stressful or difficult situation, you will have healthy coping mechanisms.
My therapist helped me craft my list, which can be summed up in one word: self-care. It includes eating healthier, sleeping better, self-kindness, letting go of harmful thoughts, being vulnerable with others, and connecting with others by being transparent. Part of the list is inner-focused, while the last two are outer-focused. Self-kindness is the cornerstone of this list, the magical key that helps me practice everything else.
There is an adage that we can’t help others until we help ourselves. The example I have heard is that on an airplane you first put an oxygen mask on yourself before helping someone else put on theirs. It is true, as I have discovered. The more I practice good self-care, the more present I am with others. I am on the prayer team at my church. After the sermon on Sunday mornings, the pastor often calls us up and invites people to come up for prayer. I find that self-care helps me to be more present with the people I pray with who come up to the altar.
Moving forward
Recovery takes time, no matter how much we want a fast-food healing. Habits change little by little as we use our recovery tools. I wake up and choose to start my day with deep breathing while tapping, meditation, and contemplative prayer. Some days, I would rather skip straight to breakfast. I make myself use my tools instead. Without self-discipline, we will not transform. It is different than willpower for it is not merely saying no to something. It is saying yes to what works, and what is effective.
“The real reasons we escape into our coping mechanisms get ignored when we talk about willpower.” Laura K. Connell
Self-knowledge is an important component of recovery, particularly for changing our habits. We must figure out why we use our coping mechanisms. I sometimes shove sweets into my mouth when I feel sadness or fear. The reason is that as a child when I was upset, my grandmother, who lived next door to us, would offer me dessert. I learned then that desserts equal comfort. The trouble is that I really don’t feel very comforted when I gobble down five Oreos. I end up feeling frustrated with myself and bloated.
I have not yet overcome my ineffective coping mechanisms, but I will. The very fact that I am aware of why I do what I do and how it affects me is progress. Using my recovery tools daily and going to therapy weekly also signal progress. I am inching towards my goal of becoming my true self. I will get where I want to be as long as I keep moving forward. And so will you, my friends.
Resources
It’s Not Your Fault by Laura K. Connell
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Great advice, thank you!
Dear Gina, thank you for sharing these excellent tools to help us on our healing journey. Kindness and discipline are so important. I find it is so much easier to be kind to others than to myself. I am working on changing my negative thoughts and replacing them with what God says about me. Bless you, dear girl. Love you <3