My Journey of Healing From Child Sexual Abuse
At 22 years old I started having flashbacks of being sexually abused by a man with brown curly hair. A few weeks after I remembered I called my mother and told her. When I described what the man looked like, she asked, “Was it Uncle Bob?” As soon as she asked I knew it was him. He was the one who stole my innocence and left me with a truckload of pain and anxiety. From that time on I set out on what I like to term my healing journey.
I wish I could say that from then on I began to feel better. The truth is that no matter how much I tried to deal with the pain caused by what my uncle did to me, I experienced severe anxiety and deep depression. I still struggled with eating disorders, namely bulimia, and alcoholism. I used food as a comfort once I quit drinking and found relief from bulimia. The anxiety and depression persisted. A therapist told me when I was 22 that I suffered from PTSD. I knew that trauma changed the brain. Yet I didn’t connect that it was the changes to my brain that caused the anxiety and depression.
How meditation and tapping help me lessen PTSD symptoms
It was not until I got so fed up with feeling anxious and down, so I started researching the effects of trauma. I stumbled upon articles that touted meditation as a way to change the brain and cope with the symptoms of PTSD. I found Christian meditation videos on YouTube and began to meditate using them whenever I became extremely anxious in the morning. Mornings have always been my hardest time. Months later I found out that deep breathing helps retrain the brain. I found an app called Breathe2Relax and began to use it for at least 5 minutes a day. That began to increase as I realized how much it helped.
While I began to develop a practice of meditation, I started reading the Bible when I first got up in the morning. I used to read at night before bed. I felt a deep hunger for God’s word began to develop within me and I realized that I needed to read in the morning when my mind was still fresh from sleep. I read the Bible with my journal nearby so I could write down any verses that touched me or insights that came to me.
Coping with a pandemic as someone with PTSD
Two months into COVID-19 lockdown, my anxiety increased and caused heart palpitations. I researched to find ways I could decrease my anxiety. I found The Tapping Solution app which became my first introduction to emotional freedom technique, also known as tapping. Tapping combines acupressure with modern psychology. You tap on acupressure points while first stating what the problem is you face, which can be described as the negative part, and then progress to the positive.
I also stumbled upon a form of prayer called centering prayer. I found that it not only lessened my anxiety but brought me into the presence of God, which deepened my intimacy with Him. I began to practice centering prayer every morning through an app called Centering Prayer.
My current meditative practice
I now practice around 30 minutes twice a day of tapping, meditation, and contemplative prayer. I begin with tapping and then pray through the Jesus Prayer: Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me. I say the entire Jesus prayer three times then observe my breath by counting it. For example, I think “one” on the in-breath and “out” on the out-breath. Then, I silently say each part of the prayer, breaking it down into three sections: Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me. For the entire prayer and each section, I observe my breath for 15 counts. I do this process twice. I also practice five minutes of breath prayer. On the in-breath I pray, “Jesus,” and on the out-breath I pray, “help” (or heal, deliver, and mercy).
I am finding that my symptoms of anxiety are less. I still experience symptoms of PTSD but I do not feel engulfed in anxiety. Fear’s grip on me is loosened. For the first time on my healing journey, I can take a long look at the damage incest caused. I can feel the pain of it without trying to numb it. But it took me over two decades to get to that point. I desire that God will use this newsletter to give fellow trauma survivors the tools to overcome both the emotional pain and the brain changes that trauma causes.
If something in this article triggers you, spend a few minutes practicing deep breathing to stop the fight-flight-or-freeze syndrome.
If you are ready to start recovering from childhood trauma, pray this prayer:
Oh Lord, I cry out to You to help me. I am struggling with anxiety. It engulfs me. Help me to begin to practice tapping, meditation, and contemplative prayer. I surrender myself to You.
Image by 👀 Mabel Amber, who will one day from Pixabay