Saying Goodbye To People-Pleasing
Trauma recovery
I have spent my life being a people pleaser. It’s a survival mechanism for many of us who survived childhood trauma. It’s also called the fawn response, which has caused me to give people many chances. I tolerated toxic people in the past. Then, lockdown happened five years ago, thrusting me into a state of high anxiety.
My heart would race, particularly in the evening. I couldn’t watch the news and had to limit how much I read about the pandemic. I became desperate to calm myself. I decided to practice meditation. While looking for apps, I found The Tapping Solution app. The first time I practiced Emotional Freedom Technique, also called tapping, my heart stopped racing. I continued practicing it.
I discovered mindfulness a year later. I began meditation every day when I woke up. I read what I could find about mindfulness. Still, I struggled to become completely free of anxiety. Three years ago, I decided to try medication. I began taking an antidepressant called Celexa, and it took much of the remaining anxiety away.
I started Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) in July 2023. I gained tools to regulate my emotions. I completed nine months of DBT, and then a few months later, I started Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocess (EMDR) therapy, which I am still doing. I am now in a place where I can recognize where my fawn response comes from and stop it.
How I Stop the Fawn Response
“The fawn response originates from a survival strategy often developed in childhood, particularly in environments marked by neglect or abuse. In such situations, a child learns to adapt by excessively trying to please and appease their abuser as a means of securing protection and avoiding harm.” Bay Area CBT Center
I recently experienced a situation that helped me understand what causes my fawn response.
Someone I know spoke to me in a way that left me feeling defensive and yelled at me. (I will call her Karen.} I felt myself struggling to pay attention after she yelled at me. I paid attention to my body and realized my legs felt slightly numb. By bringing awareness to my body, I stopped dissociating.
I then made a quick decision to be kind to Karen. Later that night, I journaled about what happened and how it made me feel. I sat with the anger and hurt for a few minutes when it would arise. Yesterday, those feelings came back up. I sat with them last night and used tapping to process my emotions. I am at peace now about the person and the situation. I don’t want to please them, which is a huge breakthrough.
I seek help so I can continue recovering from trauma. I see two therapists: one for EMDR and another for trauma-informed talk therapy. I can’t do this alone. Triggers abound, and sometimes they take the form of a Karen. I need feedback to understand myself and become my true self who lives to please God and herself.
If you struggle with people-pleasing, how do you stop the fawn response?