“Maybe you can’t see what is somebody else’s to see. But maybe, just maybe, you can see what is yours to see. So what is yours to see?” Jon Kabat-Zinn
Today I am thankful that I see areas where I still try to control others through the compulsion of codependency. It is what many of us walk out of our childhood with and it clings to us like plastic wrap. We people please because we didn’t receive all the nurturing we needed as children. However, we are not children any longer. We are adults and are capable of leaving codependency behind. It’s not easy. It takes much work and tenacity. It is possible. You can do it. I can do it.
Letting go of our codependent ways means releasing the need to fix others. Stop looking at how others need help and see where we need help. I believe we often find fault with someone in an area where we need work. We don’t like seeing in someone what is a problem for us.
Jesus told a parable about seeing a speck of sawdust in someone’s eye while paying attention to a plank in your eye:
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:3-5, ESV
Jesus called the person who dwelt on the speck in the other person’s eyes a hypocrite. This parable perfectly illustrates what codependent people do. We try and fix everyone around us while ignoring our own issues. We ignore the fundamental truth of relationships: We can’t fix someone else. We are not in control. I am not in control. You are not in control. If there is a mantra for The Possible Path, that is it.
Fourth step inventory
The fourth step of the Twelve Step tradition says, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” That is one of the most important, if not the most important activity, we codependents can do. Listing our strengths and weaknesses causes us to focus on ourselves and our recovery. It’s a step we take prayerfully and carefully. We leave nothing out.
The Twelve Steps For Christians lists questions to ask ourselves while compiling our fourth step inventory. I will be transparent here and give you my answers. As you can see, this is not the fourth step inventory but a gateway to help list our strengths and weaknesses. Answer these questions in a few sentences before you compile your inventory.
What is your major strength? How does it support you?
I am an empath. I feel what other people feel. That makes me a compassionate person. It helps me grasp where others are coming from. I like to think of it as my superpower.
What is your major weakness? How does it hurt you?
I am a control freak. While I try to hide that from others, I can’t hide it from myself. It causes me grief because I strive for perfection, and that does not exist in this world.
Which of your present behaviors is the most damaging to your life? Explain.
Using food, work, and any other behavior, positive or negative, to numb painful emotions. I am learning how to feel sadness after a lifetime of stuffing it down.
In what areas of your life do you suspect that denial is at work?
I still haven’t fully grasped the truth that I am not in control. I’m working on it.
Activity
What is your major strength? Leave a comment and let me know. And don’t forget to take a moment and thank God for all the goodness in your life.
Resources
Mindfulness for Beginners: Reclaiming the Present Moment and Your Life by Jon Kabat-Zinn
The Twelve Steps For Christians
Notes on the picture
The picture is of my maternal grandfather, Stepan Garabed Ourganjian. He was a wonderful Armenian man who taught me to be proud of our heritage. He rarely ever said a negative comment about someone else. He believed in the old adage that if you have nothing nice to say about someone, don’t say anything.
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