“Keep clearing the fear about making changes, and allow yourself to make change.” Brad Yates
Letting go of the coping mechanisms forged in childhood is never easy. Despite my commitment to recovery and recommitting to it daily, I am scared of releasing my coping mechanisms. Sometimes I panic. I practice deep breathing for a few minutes until the panic subsides. Once it does, I can embrace what dialectical behavioral therapy calls wise mind, or a balance of the emotional and rational parts of the brain.
Why am I so afraid of change when I so desperately need it? Perhaps I am frightened that I will still find that I am not enough without the weight of trauma keeping me down. On Sunday, I prayed with a woman in church dealing with verbal abuse. I told her, “You are enough.” Clearly, I need to say that to myself over and over until I truly believe it. The weight of shame is more than I can bear.
Every Thursday at 10 a.m., I sit on the couch in my therapist’s office and tell her how I am doing. She spends the first 10 minutes or so talking to me about my struggles and then spends the rest of the time teaching me healthy coping skills. I sit and scribble down notes like the journalist that I am. Week after week, I gain new tools for my recovery toolbox–tools that I can pull out when inertia comes. Staying stuck is the byproduct of the fear of change.
I don’t want to remain as I have always been, although I experience moments when I fight change. I want to be my true self. While doing a guided meditation on the Balance app, I thought, “I want to live out of my true self.” I went to a prayer meeting at church this morning. I raised my hands while silently saying yes to God. Yes, I want to live authentically. Yes, I want to use my talents to touch others, particularly fellow childhood trauma survivors.
No fast food healing
Recovery is not a smooth path with an easy ride. It is not quick. We live in a society that prizes convenience. We want everything to happen as quickly as a microwave oven heats up our leftovers. We don’t change overnight but little by little as we gain more tools. Frustration with the pace of healing is a boulder on our path we must walk around. We can’t entertain discouraging thoughts about our growth. When the thoughts come, let them float on by like leaves in a stream.
Life is knowing when to embrace and when to release. There comes a time in trauma recovery when we must release our old ways of being. We can’t embrace our true selves until we let go. We are not alone, even when we struggle to find our tribe. There is an unseen but loving Presence guiding us as we plod down our path, ever watching and helping us. In the shadows, there is Light shining on us, illuminating our paths. Choose the Light.
I order you, O sleeper, to awake!
I did not create you to be held a prisoner in hell.
Rise from the dead, for I am the life of the dead.
Rise up, work of my hands, you were created in my image.
Rise, let us leave this place, for you are in me and I am in you.
Together we form only one person and we cannot be separated!
From an ancient homily on Holy Saturday, Easter Eve
Image by Valentin from Pixabay
Do you relate to my struggles? Drop a comment below. You are not alone.
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8 love where you're going in your recovery keep it up
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Sal