The Robber Called Shame
Oh, shame is a prison as cruel as a grave
Shame is a robber and he's come to take my name
Oh, love is my redeemer
Lifting me up from the ground
Love is the power when my freedom song is found
Ain’t No Grave, Bethel Music & Molly Skaggs
Shame’s tentacles wrapped around me as a child sexual abuse survivor and choked out any self-esteem I possessed. I viewed myself as damaged goods. I am not alone. An analysis of studies found that shame is a “common outcome of CSA.”
But what exactly is shame? The American Psychological Association defines it as “a highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous in one’s own conduct or circumstances.” The author of the newsletter, For the Wounded and Weary, Dena Dyer describes shame as “nebulous and nefarious.”
“Shame is more than just a passing feeling of embarrassment. It’s a deeply rooted belief that something is fundamentally wrong with who we are. While guilt says, “I did something bad,” shame says, “I am bad/horrible/unlovable/unforgivable.” Peaceful River Counseling
Shame is not the same as guilt. German scientists studied Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) and discovered that shame is a “more complex emotion” than guilt. Activity in the right side of the brain occurred with feelings of shame but not in the amygdala, the brain’s danger detector. Guilt activated the amygdala, but less neural activity occurred in both sides of the brain. The researchers concluded that shame is more complex than guilt.
Shame can have a profoundly negative impact on us. Our bodies hold shame, and it affects us bodily. The impact of shame is “sufficiently powerful for it to be considered an affective determinant of health,” authors of a study concluded. Another study found that feelings of shame affect blood vessels. That study makes sense to me, given that my blood pressure became normal after I started dealing with shame in therapy.
Shame can also worsen or possibly cause depression, as George Mason University professor June Tangney has discovered during her decades of research on shame. A study of 140 children aged 11 to 16 years old found a link between shame and depression.
Letting Go of Shame
I have found that by healing trauma with EMDR therapy, shame lessens. However, I know that not everyone has access to therapy, and even with therapy, we have to work on eliminating shame as it arises. I searched for a fellow Substack writer with content about shame and found Kristin van Tilburg, the author of the newsletter Youthing Secrets. She has a three-part method to free ourselves from shame:
Name the voice. Not just the doubt. The source. Whose voice is this, really? Don’t fix it. Just see it.
Hand on heart. “That voice isn’t mine. This isn’t me.” Feel your heartbeat underneath the old story. Breathe here for 60 seconds.
Move before you’re confident. Send it. Say it. Start it. Trust comes first. Proof follows.
Van Tilburg’s method is one I plan to use the next time I feel shame. I will adapt it by using my journal. For the first step, I will write down the source of the shaming thoughts. Then, I will write down, “Shame isn’t me.” I will pause, feel my heartbeat, and write down why the shaming thoughts are not a reflection of me. Shame will not have the last say in my mind.
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Thx so much for quoting me!