My therapist pointed out last week that cultivating self-love would be beneficial. She had me close my eyes and repeat the lovingkindness prayer I pray for others for myself. It goes like this: May I feel God’s peace, may I feel God’s joy, may I feel God’s love. After around a few minutes of repeating it, I felt more relaxed. An instant sense of calm sprung up within.
Loving yourself
What exactly is self-love? An article in Psychology Today defines it as, “a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support one's physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.” So, when I pray the lovingkindness prayer for myself, I do something to help myself and cultivate self-love.
Without self-love, we will not heal from trauma. We will stay stuck in the mire of the aftereffects. Our true self is who we want to embrace, and we will not be able to do so if we can’t love ourselves. In Richard Rohr’s book, Immortal Diamond, he says, “When the true self becomes clearer to you, and it will for most of you, you will have grounded your spirituality in its first and most fundamental task, and you will have hired the best counseling service possible.”
“If we don’t love ourselves and take care of ourselves, we will burn-out and most likely face serious health issues. And then we won’t be able to help and contribute to life in the way that we want to.” Rita Loyd, Nurturing Art
The Benefits of Self-Love
There are a myriad of benefits to loving yourself. One of the benefits is better connections with others. Researchers looked at three aspects of connectedness: connecting with oneself (self-love), with others (pro-socialness), and with the surrounding nature (nature connectedness). The participants in the study included 138 adults between 18 and 71 years-old. What they found is that there are “significant positive correlations” between self-love and pro-socialness.
Part of self-love is self-forgiveness and self-compassion. A meta-analysis of research studies found that self-forgiveness correlated with physical and mental health. As part of a study on self-compassion, researchers studied the effects of two short-term self-compassion exercises on mood and psychophysiological responses. The researcher concluded that self-compassion reduces negative self-bias, activates a calm state of mind, and creates the ability to self-soothe.
What Keeps Us From Loving Ourselves
Most of us have obstacles that have kept us from loving ourselves. I identified three that are my obstacles:
Misinterpretation of religious teachings. I am Christian, and there are those in Christianity who teach that self-love is not biblical. I found an article* titled, The False Gospel of Self-Love. The author states, “There is a dangerous and damaging ideology that is making its way into Christian thought and life. It is “self-love” — the idea that the ability to love one’s self leads to happiness and well-being.” The author goes on to say that self-love “is in many ways the antithesis of the Gospel.”
The author of that article overlooks that when we do not love ourselves, we are miserable. I know because I spent my life hating myself. If I am created in the image of God, and I am as are you, then it makes sense that the same God wants me to love myself. Jesus instructed His disciples to “love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31)
Trauma. Children who experience trauma blame themselves, and that blame continues into their adulthood. Blame shifts into self-hatred. “The anger that traumatized children feel manifests itself as self-hatred, the belief that there is something inherently wrong in them that makes them deserve the abuse or neglect they experience,” an article for Rio Retreat Center states.
Lack of understanding. Self-love is often misinterpreted as selfishness. Selfishness is ego-based, and when we are selfish, we set ourselves above others. Self-love is accepting ourselves with unconditional love, and it is also self-care. The two are starkly different.
The psychologist, Dr. Christina Gomez contrasts selfishness and self-love. “Selfishness is the act of taking from others, using others, and even abusing others, in order to get what we want without consideration for their wellbeing. Self-love is taking care of our needs and wants without taking advantage of others in the process.”
Cultivating Self-Love
How do we cultivate self-love? I did research on the subject and came up with four ways. You that you are not limited to these practices, but they are a good place to start. .
FLY acronym. Remember this handy acronym: First Love Yourself. Repeat it often to remind yourself that you are worthy of love. If you are on a plane and need oxygen, you first put oxygen on yourself and then help your loved ones. If you are oxygen-deprived, you can not help someone else. The same is true with love. If you don’t love yourself, you will find it harder to let people in.
Lovingkindness prayers. I mentioned lovingkindness prayers in beginning of this article. Typically, you practice lovingkindness prayer with others. However, I have spent a week praying them for myself, as my therapist suggested. I find that I feel better about myself as a result.
Research shows that lovingkindess prayers increase positive emotions. In one study, researchers assigned half of 139 adults to practice lovingkindness prayers. They found that the increased positive emotions produced “increases in a wide range of personal resources (e.g., increased mindfulness, purpose in life, social support, decreased illness symptoms).”
Affirmations. Affirmations are similar to lovingkindness prayers, but they are statements you repeat. One of my favorite affirmations to repeat is this: I am enough. Research backs up my practice of reciting affirmations. Researchers from the University of Pennsylvania found that reciting affirmations positively affects the brain.
Embracing Self-Love: A Journey to Wholeness
Now that you understand what self-love is and its value, I challenge you to begin to love yourself. Pick one of the three practices that I listed do it every day. If you journal, write down any positive benefits you experience from your practice. And do one more thing: let me know.
Resources
Immortal Diamond: The Search For Our True Self by Richard Rohr
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Thank you, Gina for your open heart. At 74 years of age I am just now getting more serious about dealing with self hatred and realizing that in order to truly love others I must learn with Jesus help to love and accept myself. Love you, dear girl. <3