“One of the subconscious barriers to getting what you want, especially in relationships, is your attachment style.” Laura K. Connell
My therapist told me last week that she believes in me and my ability to recover from the effects of childhood trauma. I often doubt myself, so those words were like a cold glass of water on a
hot-as-hell day in California’s Central Valley. Deep down, I have always known that I could recover, but doubts do creep in. Considering the sexual abuse I endured in my early childhood, it is no wonder that I struggle with self-doubt. Today, I connected my attachment style with my very critical inner voice.
I started reading a book last week titled, It’s Not Your Fault: The Subconscious Reasons We Self-Sabotage and How To Stop by Laura K. Connell. The second chapter is about attachment styles. “I don’t have attachment problems,” I thought as I began reading the chapter. I stopped thinking that when I came to the last section about disorganized attachment. It is as if the author personally knows me because in this section she describes me.
Connell describes adults with disorganized attachment as people “who desperately want intimacy but are terrified of getting hurt.” I can relate to that statement. However, I also relate to her encouragement to overcome this attachment style by starting to trust people. I find myself relying on friends and my mother for support and encouragement. I relate to what Connell says that there is hope for overcoming disorganized attachment.
Reaching out for help with trauma recovery
The past three were rough, hence the reason why I did not post here. Due to California’s high speed rail project, I had to stay in an Airbnb for nearly three weeks, with my four cats in a pet boarding facility. Two weeks ago, I woke up early in the morning, grabbed my phone, and saw that Azerbaijan attacked Artsakh, an ancient part of the Armenian homeland located in Azerbaijan thanks to the Soviet Union. Since December 12, 2022, Azerbaijan’s military blocked the only road linking Artsakh to Armenia. Very little food, medicine, or fuel remained in Artsakh. The next day, I woke up at 4:55 a.m. and felt the need to reach for my phone. What I saw had tears rolling down my face. The government of Artsakh surrendered to Azerbaijan.
Reports since have painted a bleak picture where Azeri soldiers attacked civilians. Most of Artsakh’s inhabitants fled to Armenia as a result. They know history and what Azeris have done in the past. As a descendant of victims and survivors of the first Armenian genocide in 1915, I feel a deep sorrow that I cannot quite describe. Every Armenian anywhere in the world feels the same sorrow. We lost more of our homeland. Azerbaijan followed their Turkish brothers and committed ethnic cleansing.
The intergenerational trauma stirred by recent events collides with my trauma. I found myself sobbing in the pantry of the Airbnb one afternoon last week. I cried out to God and said, “I can’t do this alone. I need help.” I rose and called a friend who listened. It helped me tremendously. After reading the passage in Connell’s book, I understand why. I decided to risk reaching out to a loved one.
Sitting weekly in therapy sessions is another way that I am overcoming disorganized attachment. “It will help to seek the support of a therapist or counselor who makes you feel supported,” Connell wrote. I am blessed to have a good therapist who listens to me, gives feedback, teaches me mindfulness skills, and encourages me. I believe the right therapist is key to trauma recovery.
Little by little I make progress in my recovery. I am like a turtle who inches along. My recovery is not a fast food one. In case no one has told you, those do not exist. We plod along the healing path, experiencing breakthroughs as we put in the hard work.
If you relate to anything in this article, check out the resources section below.
Image by 🆓 Use at your Ease 👌🏼 from Pixabay
Resources
It’s Not Your Fault: The Subconscious Reasons We Self-Sabotage and How To Stop by Laura K. Connell
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I very much respect the work of Laura K. Connell and have been planning on reading her book. I’ll be making it a higher priority as a result of your post.
That's an easy one
We can I can't