You Can Say No: How To Stop People Pleasing
Trauma Recovery
I would plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything was okay. I worked hard to ensure that the people I knew liked me. If someone asked for help, I would say yes, even if I didn’t want to do it. I was the consummate people pleaser. Desperately unhappy but addicted to approval, I didn’t let most people see the real me. Hell, if I am honest, I didn’t even know my true self.
One day I decided to stop pleasing people at the expense of myself. I practiced saying “no” in the mirror. I noticed I struggled the most at church. I said yes whenever someone asked me to help with a ministry or activity. I started telling the person who asked that I would pray about helping before I answered. The prayers helped me learn more about myself and where my talents and gifts are best used.
The Fawning Response To Trauma
People pleasing is also known as the fawning trauma response, coined by therapist Pete Walker. People who fawn “seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others,” said Walker. Looking at that definition, I can see why I practiced fawning. From the ages of two to seven, my uncle sexually abused me. I dissociated and blocked out the memories until I was 22. Remembering felt like an emotional tsunami.
Children who are abused by family members often practice fawning, according to psychologist Dr. Arielle Schwartz. Fawning from a physiological standpoint, means an abused child disconnects from bodily sensations and reads someone’s emotional cues. When a child can’t escape their situation, they resort to fawning and dissociation. Children aren’t equipped to cope with trauma, despite appearing resilient.
How To Stop the Fawn Response
The first step to stop being a people pleaser is to recognize that you are one, which means you admit it’s a problem. Write it down and list how fawning harms you. For example, it causes us to live with an inner struggle. We say yes when we don’t want to do something, which causes turmoil. Living with turmoil boiling inside is emotional cancer that can lead to health issues for our minds, bodies, and spirits are connected.
After recognizing that you are a people pleaser, work on calming your body and mind. Here are a few suggestions:
Try deep breathing. Many apps can help you learn how to breathe deeply. I find it incredibly relaxing. If you have anxiety, deep breathing will help.
Practice meditation. Spend at least five minutes daily in silence while observing your breath. Thoughts will come, but return to focusing on your breath.
Check out tapping, also known as the emotional freedom technique. Tapping combines acupressure with modern psychology. The Tapping Solution app is a great resource.
Practice saying no. You can do what I do and say no while looking in the mirror. You can also record yourself saying no and play it back daily. The point is to teach yourself that it is okay to say no. Learning a new skill takes time. Be patient with yourself and keep on practicing. And send me a DM if you have any questions or would like prayer.
