Finding My True Self
Letting go of my false self to embrace my true self, the person God created me to be.
“I promise you that the discovery of your true self will feel like a thousand pounds of weight have fallen from your back.” Richard Rohr, Immortal Diamond
Knowing who we are is fundamental for mental health and emotional well-being. As a traumatized child, I developed a false self for survival. That false self helped me get through my childhood, but as an adult in recovery, it no longer serves me. Getting to my true self is like peeling back onion layers. I buried my true self underneath layers.
Those layers included numbness–a big dollop of numbness over my heart if I’m honest. It kept me from dealing with a broken heart, or so I thought. What it really did was keep me from feeling. As a result, I lived in a permanent state of dissociation. When you numb unpleasant emotions, you also numb pleasant ones.
People-pleasing was another layer. I felt desperate to please people because I didn’t like myself. No, scratch that, for I hated myself. I saw myself as garbage and damaged goods. Deep down, I blamed myself for the sexual abuse my uncle inflicted on me. Shame fed my desire to please people. I had no clue how to please myself. When you’re busy pleasing others, you neglect your own needs.
During lockdown in 2020, I experienced heart palpitations every evening. I tried not watching the news, thinking covid anxiety was the cause. It didn’t work, so I searched for something to help me. I found an app called The Tapping Solution and started practicing tapping (emotional freedom technique). The first time I tapped, my heart stopped racing. When the anxiety lessened, the numbing stopped.
Going from being numb emotionally to feeling intense fear and sadness was overwhelming. I added deep breathing and meditation to my mental health practices. Both helped me process my emotions. I am learning more about how to ride out my emotions and not let them overwhelm me through dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). Every week, I sit in therapy, and my therapist teaches me another skill. I scribble down what she tells me in the blue notebook I use just for therapy. Each one helps me embrace my true self.
The skill of willingness
This week’s skill is willingness, which is the readiness to participate fully in life and living, according to my therapist. It is the opposite of willfulness, which Merriam-Webster defines as, “a steadfast adherence to an opinion, purpose, or course of action in spite of reason, arguments, or persuasion.” A friend once gave my sister a plaque proclaiming, everyone is entitled to my opinion. That saying fits her big sister, also. It’s cute when you’re 20 to be a bit willful. However, add a few decades, and it’s neither cute nor effective.
Dare I say that willfulness is acting out of the false self? Yes, I say it loudly to myself. My therapist described willfulness as a refusal to tolerate the moment. My uncle began sexually abusing me in my toddler years. From my earliest memories, fear and tremendous anxiety is what I have known. A good portion of willfulness helped me survive from my teen years onwards. It no longer serves me on my healing journey.
Five steps to practice willingness
There are five steps for embracing willingness, as DBT teaches:
Observe the willfulness. Label it. Since the day after Thanksgiving (good ole Good Friday), I have been sick with the flu, featuring a bad cough that worsens at night. I neglected my practices of tapping, deep breathing, and meditation. I can lie and say that it is because I am sick. However, it is out of willfulness. I am irritated that I am sick. I am throwing a big tantrum by chucking out my mental health practices.
Radically accept that you are willful. Practicing radical acceptance doesn’t mean that you condone willfulness. I accept that I am willful concerning my mental health practices. However, I am taking steps to move toward willingness.
Turn the mind toward willingness. I turn my mind away from willfulness by catching myself when I think, “It isn’t fair.” Instead, I acknowledge that I am still sick.
Try a half-smile and relaxed posture. When we are willful, we tend to frown and our bodies are tense. Half-smiling is slightly turning the corners of your mouth up. It sounds strange, but it does relax you.
Ask yourself, “What’s the threat?” I asked myself that question tonight. I immediately thought of my childhood when I was a sickly child. I was also a child who smiled readily, but the smile never reached my eyes. I was very depressed and anxious despite the happy act. However, I am not a child any longer. I am an adult in recovery. I have tools I can use to help myself when I feel down.
The best version of ourselves
“When the true self becomes clearer to you, and it will for most of you, you will have grounded your spirituality in its first and fundamental task, and you will have hired the best counseling service possible.” Richard Rohr, Immortal Diamond
Becoming who God created us to be is a big task and one of the most important ones we ever do. When we operate out of our true selves, we experience a deep joy and the peace Jesus described as passing all understanding. Being the best version of ourselves benefits those around us and helps them learn to embrace their true selves.
Resources
Immortal Diamond: The Search For Our True Self by Richard Rohr: In this book, Catholic priest Richard Rohr describes the journey of leaving our false selves behind and embracing our true selves. It is one that I highly recommend to anyone, but particularly for trauma survivors.
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These trauma responses are survival mechanisms; exploring and dismantling them is a courageous undertaking.