Realizing that we are not in control is an important part of recovery from childhood trauma. However, it is equally important to exercise control over our own recovery. The two are flip sides of a coin. For example, I canceled my therapy appointment this week and didn’t reschedule another one. The reason is that the therapist is not a good fit for me. He rarely gives feedback, nods, and says, “Yes.” I asked him for ideas about feeling safe at night, and he answered, “I have no clue.”
It dawned on me that I need someone who specializes in trauma. Someone who can guide me as I let go of my old coping mechanisms and change my thinking. Talking to a therapist who merely nods and says one word doesn’t work for me. I dread my sessions. Although I felt guilty ending the therapy with him, I have agency. I can end therapy with my current therapist and find one that suits me. The guilt is a holdover from a previous codependent mindset. Meditation has taught me that not all thoughts or inclinations are worth exploring, including guilt about ending therapy with my current therapist.
I can say no, both figuratively and literally. I am no longer the people pleaser who practices saying no in a mirror because she couldn’t say it to someone. Pleasing people is not my role in life. I can be a kind, good person and say no when something or someone doesn’t suit her. I know my voice. I own my opinions and feelings.
“The power of saying no really comes down to the effects it has on our brain. When we say no more often, we shift the way our brain thinks and reacts to situations, allowing us more ability to make decisions for ourselves. This has a tremendous effect on our mental health, as it allows us to value ourselves more. It also helps us prioritize ourselves, and can even lead us to new opportunities that wouldn’t have been achievable by saying yes.” Synergy Health Programs
I am searching for a new therapist in Fresno. My mindset during this search is that finding a therapist who is a good fit for me may take a while. I am not in a rush, as I am not in a crisis. I have tools that help me rewire my brain and reverse the damage done by childhood trauma. Tapping, deep breathing, and meditation are three tools in my recovery toolbox. Not only do they rewire my brain, but they keep me determined to say no when needed.
If you are struggling with saying no, I recommend looking at yourself in the mirror and saying no several times. Do it every day until it feels comfortable saying the word. Eventually, you will find yourself saying that magical word when needed. You will feel some guilt but ignore it. That’s just the codependent mindset calling to you like a siren song. It’s not a song you need.
Application
Journal about a time you said yes when you meant no. How did that make you feel?
Resources
The Power of No: Why Saying “No” is Important by Synergy Health Programs
I stumbled upon this article, and it resonated with me. If you struggle with saying no, then check it out. It’s short and to the point.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
I recently re-read this book. I found myself drawn back to codependent behaviors. Recovery from codependency is similar to recovery from an addiction. I must always be vigilant. Reading books on codependency from time to time is part of that vigilance. This book is one of the best on the topic. The Kindle version is currently only $1.99.
The picture is of seven-year-old me with my childhood best friend and her sister. I am the little girl on the left with a ponytail. Looking at that picture reminds me to honor my inner child by being true to myself.
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I think that you did the absolute right thing about your therapist especially when paying good money for it you deserve more than just a nod and a few ah has and I've always loved Melody Beatty.
Oh wow, I just posted about being willing to change therapists! How funny. And about being codependent. Saying no and asking for needs -- both are still very difficult for me. I'm less of a people pleaser than I was at least. The Disease to Please was a great book!
You might want to check out NARM trained therapists. I think it's the best trauma therapy out there, but I'm a bit prejudiced because it is working so well for me.
Looks like you have options in Fresno, lucky!
https://directory.narmtraining.com/home