Overcoming Self-Criticism and Embracing Self-Compassion
Developing self-compassion brings many benefits as you recover from childhood trauma.
“There’s almost no one whom we treat as badly as ourselves.” Kristen Neff
“Judge not, that you be not judged,” Jesus proclaimed in His famous Sermon on the Mount. We instinctively know that we should not judge others. However, we forget that we also should not be judgmental towards ourselves. My therapist points out that being harsh with myself is ineffective. Indeed, it is not conducive to recovery from childhood trauma or any trauma. It causes suffering, and the Lord knows that I have suffered enough.
I can’t predict or control the unfortunate circumstances that may come into my life. But I can control what I think about myself. I can change my thinking and bring about transformation as a result. I can give myself the same compassion I give to others. Changing how I think about myself will not happen at once. It takes time and practice. Last week, my therapist gave me a worksheet to track my judgmental thoughts and replace them with nonjudgmental ones.
Each night, I list how many judgmental thoughts I had. It ranges from 10-15 per day. I pick one of them and write down something nonjudgmental to replace it with. This exercise is a lesson in self-discovery. I noticed that most of my judgmental thoughts are about myself.
How to increase self-compassion
“Self-compassion is simply offering yourself the same level of support and understanding you would a friend or family member.” Laura K. Connell
I don’t have a list of ways to stop judging yourself, but I can recommend ways to practice self-compassion. While I do still judge myself harshly, it is not as harsh as it used to be before I started practicing tapping and meditation. I now like and love myself. During lockdown in May 2020, I discovered tapping through The Tapping Solution app. Most tapping meditations on the app include something about choosing to love myself. At first, it felt false to say that phrase. Eventually, I found I meant it. I really did love myself.
Even though I now have self-love, I still am harsh with myself in a way I would never be with anyone else. I am actively working on being less judgmental of myself. Here are four practices I am using to develop more self-compassion:
Paying attention to my judgmental thoughts. Keeping track of my judgmental thoughts and writing them down with their nonjudgmental replacement helps tremendously. There is something powerful about seeing your own thoughts on paper.
Journaling about my strengths. I tend to focus on my weaknesses and overlook my strengths. I assume that if I focus on my strengths, I will overlook my weaknesses. However, I suspect the opposite is true, that as I stop dwelling on my weaknesses, it will be easier to overcome them.
Meditation. Taking time daily to meditate is an act of compassion that yields many benefits. The act of taking time to be still and relax is an act of self-care, and acts of self-care lead to more self-compassion.
Centering prayer. It is a form of contemplative prayer. I practice centering prayer for 10 minutes. The goal is to sit in God’s presence and let thoughts go. You pick a word. My word is peace. Thoughts will come as we all have monkey minds. When they come, you silently say your word. Even when I spend most of the 10 minutes saying peace like a mantra, I emerge from it feeling more peace and joy. I feel better about myself.
Self-compassion is a gift we give ourselves that unfolds the more we practice it. I think of it like those Russian nesting dolls. I show myself a little compassion and more of it surfaces within me. It’s the fuel for my recovery that keeps me walking down the healing path. I also feel much more compassionate towards others the more I show myself compassion. The benefits of it spread to everyone around me.
Resources
It’s Not Your Fault by Laura K. Connell
Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff (This book is free if you have an Amazon Prime account.)
If you have questions for me or need a word of encouragement, email me at thepossiblepath@gmail.com.
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Bless you. JB